


Past, Present

by freezerjerky



Series: The Passage of Time [6]
Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-10-31
Updated: 2016-10-31
Packaged: 2018-08-28 02:56:06
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,306
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8428708
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/freezerjerky/pseuds/freezerjerky
Summary: Merlin's past leads to him thinking about his present.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Here we go again, another installment of the series. Things are getting more serious with these two.

The thing Merlin remembered most from his first day of Uni was being overwhelmed. He'd grown up in a small town and he'd only ever been to London on school trips, so spending the next few years of his life there suddenly felt daunting. That very first morning he'd debated calling his mum and telling her he was coming home. Will, who was a relative stranger that he'd gone in on a flatshare with, was adjusting too well to academic life and he had no one to understand him.  
  
Then he met Freya. She'd been sitting quietly just outside of a class building, reading a book of poetry, and something about her drew him in. She looked up, maybe sensing eyes on her, and smiled at him before waving him over. Apparently they had their first class together, but he didn't notice her then. From that moment, he never really stopped noticing Freya.  
  
They dated through most of uni and Freya was Merlin's first great love. He fell hard and fast and while he could never get as good of a read on her, he knew she liked him a lot too. It was the type of relationship where he didn't ask anything of her, he just wanted to be near her, to help her, and to be her friend. In their last year, the relationship had run its course but what was left was a deep, trusting friendship. Merlin counted himself as lucky to have her in his life.  
  
During the relationship, and after, they'd shared a bond with Will, who was never exactly a third wheel. Will was Merlin's closest friend and a good friend to Freya. He'd sometimes be jealous of Merlin's time and that didn't end after the relationship did: Merlin didn't even pretend to ignore that Will hated Arthur, or that something was preventing him from being as close to Will as he once was.  
  


Freya's asked him to lunch on a Friday afternoon and Merlin rarely gives up an opportunity to spend time with her, especially when she asks. Merlin's running late, but he rushes into the cafe where they're supposed to meet, and kisses her on both cheeks. She's dressed in a loose purple dress and Merlin remembers just how pretty she is; it's her aura and her presence as much as her beauty. Today's one of the days she doesn't hide her anxiety as well and he can sense it in her posture.  
  
"Sorry I was running late, someone wanted to buy a painting and then they didn't understand why art costs what it does." He slips into his seat with the prepackaged salad he's just bought.  
  
"It's alright. It's my day off, I've got plenty of time."  
  
Merlin smiles warmly at her before opening her salad. "Getting lots of writing done?"  
  
"No," she answers honestly. "Getting lots of art done?"  
  
"No," he answers with a laugh. "I've been sort of shy about it, especially with spending most of my weekends with Arthur. What if he doesn't like my art, after all? Is that a deal breaker?"  
  
"He'll like your art, Merlin. You're very good and you know that well."  
  
His salad has cucumbers on it, which he carefully plucks out and sets on a napkin. Freya takes them and puts them on her own salad. She's not particularly fond of them, but she doesn't like to be wasteful.  
  
"Has Mordred been saying anything about working for him?"  
  
"Mordred's just happy to have his foot in the door, I think. I hope he gets a chance to be an actual editor before long. Though being an assistant is an important job too."  
  
"I like him, I think. He's much better than the other person in your flatshare that- Sophie?"  
  
"Sophia. She's odd, but mostly quiet, so that's nice. She does bring men home a bit more than I like, but she's allowed to do what she likes with her own sex life."  
  
Sex has always been a touchy subject with Freya, so he doesn't press it. He knows he's honoured to have had the experiences he's had with her and that the presence or lack of sex in his relationship with her has no bearings on how he felt or how he regards her now.  
  
"Just think, when you sell your novel, you'll make enough to get out of that flatshare anyway."  
  
The corner of Freya's mouth twitches. Merlin knows that Mordred keeps trying to convince Freya to submit her manuscript to Arthur, but she refuses. Freya's got a deeply engrained sense of fairness and using her connections to either Mordred or Arthur seems a bit too much like cheating.  
  
"There's something I want to talk to you about, Merlin," Freya says, then. She's been gathering the courage to say something and she's just plucked it up.  
  
"Of course, I'm all ears." Sometimes saying that would get a giggle out of Freya, not a mean spirited one, just the comfortable laugh of someone who likes Merlin for all that he is.  
  
"I'm seeing someone." She clears her throat. "I'm seeing Will, actually."  
  
Merlin's eyes go a bit wide and he holds his fork half to his mouth. Of course, objectively it makes sense, Freya and Will are close and with Merlin spending more time with other friends, they probably spend more time together than ever.  
  
"We haven't been seeing each other long," she continues. "But we've admitted that we liked each other for a while. Not before you and I- I wouldn't do that, but erm. I think that's part of why he's keeping his distance, and it's easier for him to make it about Arthur."  
  
It's one of those moments that hangs in the air and could go so many ways. Merlin really doesn't want to fuck this up, because having the trust of someone like Freya is a very important thing to him, but he's not sure what he's feeling. He places his fork slowly back down and reaches for Freya's hand.  
  
"I'm happy for you," he says, because that's the first and most predominant thing that he's feeling. Two of the people he esteems the most dating? No matter the history, he has to be glad for that. "And thank you for telling me. It is a bit...odd, I'll admit. But I want you and Will to both be happy and if it's together that's really great."  
  
"I know it's got to be strange for you, when he's one of your best friends and we were together for-"  
  
"Freya. It's a bit of a surprise, I'll admit that much. But he's a good match for you, and I wouldn't want my history with you to get in the way of your future with anyone. I'm with someone now who I think will make me very happy."  
  
"You think?"  
  
"I don't like to think too far ahead. We can't read too much into what's behind us and we can't think too far ahead."  
  
She smiles at him and lays her other hand so it's on top of his. "So we've got the present."  
  
"That we do. Unfortunately, in the present I only have another half hour for lunch."  
  
He reluctantly pulls his hand away and they resume having a pleasant lunch together. Merlin tries not to dwell too much on what Freya's told him and if it changes anything in his life. There'll be time for that when he doesn't have an afternoon of work left.

 


	2. Chapter 2

That night, Merlin tells Arthur about his lunch while walking to a concert. Arthur tells Merlin he's happy for them, though he makes it clear that he thinks more fondly of Freya than he does of Will. Not all the people Merlin esteems can be very fond of each other and he's learning to accept this. Merlin's a bit withdrawn throughout the concert, but he's clearly not unhappy, just stuck in his head. They get back to Arthur's flat late that and have a quick shag under the covers before falling asleep.

Merlin wakes up, surprisingly well rested, but alone in bed. Wrapping himself in the duvet he makes his way to the kitchen where sure enough, Arthur's seated with some toast and tea. In front of him is a small stack of envelopes, recently opened mail. The top one is opened more carefully than the others and Merlin can make out the name "Uther Pendragon" on the envelope. Next to it is a birthday card, but Arthur's birthday was a full week prior.

"The toast is probably cold now," Merlin says, sliding into the seat beside him.

"I do have a toaster, that's where the toast comes from," Arthur explains before leaning in to kiss Merlin's cheek.

The tea is not cold, thankfully, and Merlin can handle lukewarm toast. He's in a good mood and he's fully processed the news about Freya and Will. He's happy, but it's just a resurgence in mourning for what he once had with Freya. It won't last long, seeing as he's got something good going on.

"Any interesting mail?" Merlin asks.

"No," Arthur grumbles, and he pushes the mail aside. "Didn't know you had such a keen interest in my bills."

He takes a sip from the tea that's left for him. It's a bit sweeter than he likes, but he suspects Arthur just makes everyone's tea the way he likes. "I have a keen interest in everything about you," he answers, keeping his tone flirtatious.

"Well don't," Arthur answers, and he's standing a moment later, cleaning up after the few dishes it took to make breakfast.

Merlin blinks a few times. Arthur's rarely this short with him, he'd usually rather fight or tease him than be rude like this. When he is, it's usually because he's treading on a sore subject.

"I'm going to take a bath, if you care to join me." Merlin gulps down the lukewarm tea and stands, letting the duvet drop. He can tell Arthur's at least not angry enough to keep from looking at him.

 

The tub in Arthur's flat is large and a bit too luxurious. It could definitely fit more than two people in it, and Merlin likes indulging in the size of it. He's just sunk into the bath when Arthur treads in, his pyjama bottoms slung low on his hips, and starts to prepare his shaving kit. Arthur doesn't need to shave too often, with his fine blond hair, but when he does he likes to do it right. There's something very intriguing about watching Arthur shave.

When he's about half done, Merlin decides he's ready to be Arthur's focus of attention again, so he steps out of the tub and makes his way to the bathroom counter.  
"The water's going to get cold, you know."

"Am I still invited to your bath?" Arthur asks, then goes still as he shaves along his neck.

"I'd really like to share a bath with you."

Arthur turns to him then, leaning in to kiss him softly. "Let me finish and then I'll be right there, alright?"

"Alright, but don't get mad if I get started without you." Merlin winks at him before sauntering back towards the tub.

He comes close to cutting himself while shaving, but Arthur's in the tub not two minutes later. They kiss and touch and take some time to explore each other in the tub and very little washing gets done at all. Eventually the water's not really fit for getting clean so they climb out of the tub and towel each other off before crawling onto Arthur's couch for a cuddle.

"Are you going to tell me what had you in a mood earlier?" Merlin asks, once he's sure he's got Arthur sated and happy and warm.

"Earlier?"

"About the mail."

Arthur sighs and nuzzles in against Merlin's neck. "My father," he answers.

"What about your father?"

Realizing this is a conversation he can't have hiding from the world, Arthur sits up to face Merlin properly.

"I'm sure by now you've realized that I don't have a mother. Well I had a mother, most everyone does, but mine died. When I was born. I never knew her, but I always wanted to and my father for his many, many flaws loved her very much."

"I'm sorry." Merlin squeezes his knee. "That must be tough."

"It's- I turned out alright, didn't I? It's just that he's never really recovered and sometimes he more or less chooses not to have anything to do with my birthday. Like this year, getting a card almost a week late. From his assistant."

"Oh, Arthur. I'm so sorry."

"Don't be. I'm fine. I had a great birthday, remember? It's just that he's got himself so damn shut up in his own sorrow he doesn't care if anyone else is hurting. She was my mother and I never got to know her."

Merlin leans in and kisses his forehead. "She'd be so proud of you and the man you've become."

As Merlin snuggles back in close, he can feel the weight of twenty six years of guilt. The past isn't always so easy to leave behind. But now he can be there for Arthur and let him talk about what he feels. They spend the rest of the morning talking about Arthur's past, his childhood, what he imagined his mother was like. He sees a picture of her and thinks she's beautiful. There's some deeper things stirring in him, dealing with his own past and family history, but now he's focusing on being here for Arthur.


	3. Chapter 3

Freya stops by Merlin's flat on Sunday evening. He'd texted her to stop by next time she's in the neighbourhood and she's curious about his reasoning. Everything's a bit of a mess when she arrives, with his paintings and sketches strewn about the place. George is sitting rather firmly on a sketch of Will that Merlin had drawn when he was in Uni.

"Did you invite me over to clean up after your mess?" she asks.

"No, I was going through my art, sort of digging through the past, if you will."

"And why's that?"

"I thought I'd show some things to Arthur, but I'm feeling less confident."

Merlin's sitting on his small couch looking a bit frazzled and feeling a bit mediocre. Freya places a hand on his shoulder and kisses the top of his head.

"Why don't you start with your nude self portraits?" she jokes, but plucks one of them from the pile. "Or why don't you do something all new? Just for him?"

He lights up a bit at the idea. "I could do that. Something he loves, keep it simple, but still let him in." The truth is, intimacy is often about dredging up a lot of issues, but Merlin's willing and just lacks the courage.

"So new nude self portraits," she continues, her voice monotone. "You did say something he loves, after all."

The blush rises to Merlin's cheeks and he looks away. "He doesn't love me, Freya. We've not been together long enough for that."

She bites her lip to keep from commenting. It's none of her business how Arthur does or doesn't feel, and it's not her place to interpret looks she's seen exchanged between the two.

"Do you love Will?" Merlin asks, immediately regretting it.

"Maybe. I could. It would be different than before- with you. But it's always different, each time."

"I want you to take a picture or two. As a gift. They're a part of my past and so are you."

"Really?" Freya asks, giving him a timid smile. "I couldn't."

"I insist." Merlin gestures to the sheets of paper laying around the room. "Take what you like."

They select together what Freya would most like. She takes the sketch of Will that George has only slightly wrinkled and one of Merlin's self portraits (not one of the nudes) as well as a painting of flowers that she distinctly remembers him doing on one lazy Sunday morning. She can't stay long to reminisce but that's probably for the best. When her things are collected she heads for the door.

"I didn't get a chance to ask you in return, Merlin. Do you love Arthur?"

Merlin should be put on the spot. He should feel the uncertainty of the future, the weight of the past, but all he can focus on is what he feels then and there.

"Yeah, I do. I love him."


	4. Chapter 4

Merlin and Freya mutually decide that the best way to work through whatever issues might be lurking below the surface is to have a double date. Arthur's not the biggest fan of double dates to begin with, but having Merlin around to help him prepare for the date certainly gets him in a better mood. The first half of the date goes over well enough, and the two friends think they'll get through everything just fine.

Then, of course, Merlin and Freya both excuse themselves to use the bathroom which leaves Will and Arthur staring at each other across the table. Neither really looks away and it's definitely tense. Will breaks that tension first.

"Listen, just so we're clear. I don't trust you, I don't think you're good for Merlin, and I don't like you."

Arthur's only momentarily surprised that Will has said it out loud. Of course Will would voice his concerns, he's loud mouthed and brutally honest.

"That's fine, I don't like you either and I think you've got an attitude that isn't deserved. Of course, if you'd get over your massive crush on my boyfriend..."

"Fuck off, mate."

The other two return then, arm in arm. They're laughing and stop in their tracks when they realize how tense things are at the table. Merlin slides back into his seat and puts an arm on Arthur's knee, but he doesn't look away. 

"Is something wrong?" Freya ventures. 

Will turns to her. "Only this joker who's dating our friend."

"Your friend or your big secret crush?" Arthur cuts in. "Let's be honest here, Will."

"Of course, deflecting from the fact that you're a giant prat who shouldn't even be here."

"Be here why? Because I'm dating someone you happen to know?"

Merlin weighs his options and slides out of his seat. "I'm going home. I don't feel well. I'll see you...sometime." He's not going to listen two of the people closest to him squabble like this, if they can't act civil around each other, maybe he should rethink his relationship choices.

Arthur makes a move to follow him, but Freya reaches out to stop him from standing. "Don't. Let him have his space." Freya knows well enough that when he's upset, Merlin needs time to process, then he'll expect comfort later. "I'm disappointed in both of you."

Will gives a shocked look and looks offended that Freya would be implicating him in this.

"We invited you out tonight because we wanted you two to learn more about each other, maybe be civil to each other in passing. This isn't some machismo contest." She slowly stands again likewise. "You're two of the most important people in his life and he wants you both to continue to be in his life, not have a contest like children. One of you can pay the bill tonight, I'm out."

She's got her bag and is tailing out after Merlin in a swoop. She'll maybe catch him at the bus stop, just to make sure he's alright. Just in case. Will at least knows Freya enough to not go after her.

The air in the room remains tense and eventually it's Arthur that speaks.

"What I said about the crush thing was...I'm sorry about that. It's not my business how you do or don't feel about Merlin."

"I don't trust you. I don't trust Merlin to think objectively around you, that's how he is."

Arthur shakes his head. "I can't just say 'trust me' and you'll trust me, but you've got to let me try. I have never, ever in my life liked someone this much and one day you'll see that."

"Well, I hope I do. You're a rich prat, you can pay for the bill." Will stands and moves towards the exit. He'll send an apology text to Merlin once he's had some time to collect his thoughts more properly. It's entirely his fault if he doesn't trust Arthur's judgment, and he knows a lot of it is misplaced guilt. Damn, Arthur can be a total prat though.


	5. Chapter 5

It's actually a bit of relief that no one follows Merlin home. He needs time to think and process. It's clear that Will and Arthur would never like each other and that's going to have some weight in how his future plays out. Just a few days prior he was so certain that Arthur was his future, that he was in love with him.

Around midnight he gets an apology text from Will spewing about how he doesn't want to hurt him and he'll try to be kinder to Arthur in the future. Will is not being the best friend or the most kind person, but he's being honest and that's the most comforting thing he could have from Will. Arthur keeps his distance, however, until he shows up the next afternoon, walking in unannounced.

"I think you usually say something about murderers," Merlin looks up from the book he's reading. George jumps down from his lap to rub on Arthur's legs, prompting Arthur to pick him up.

"It's not my fault you leave your door unlocked." He sits on the other side of the couch from where Merlin is sitting, making him move his feet.

"I think if someone wanted to kill me, they'd kill me anyway. Are you here to kill me?"

"No," Arthur laughs. "I'm here to apologise for last night. I shouldn't have done what I did with Will. The fighting. That was... I'm sorry."

Merlin draws his legs up to his chest and puts his arms around them. "I'm sorry too, that you did that."

"I guess I could say that...he started it? But that doesn't really mean anything, because I could have just disengaged. I should have disengaged. Because last night was about you and Freya and everything being okay."

George climbs out of Arthur's arms and back to Merlin, purring and butting his head against him. That warrants a smile.

"I just...I can't be with someone who can barely get along with my friends or pretend they get along or...be civil."

"I'll be civil. I can be the most civil person in the world to Will, to anyone. That was a big error on my part and I want to be a good boyfriend. For you."

"It's not like it was just your fault. I'm sure Will was...pretty awful about everything." He puts George down and moves closer to Arthur. "Just from my perspective, it hurts more that you don't get along with him, because I want to trust you with everything about me."

"I want to be trusted. I want to be your confidante, I want to know what's going on in that head of yours."

"I think it's time to show you something." Merlin stands and moves to find the stack of his many portfolios, he's got a small folder on top. He hands that to Arthur. "Here."

Arthur opens the folder to see a watercolor painting of Merlin's apartment and the mattress on his floor. There's the outline of someone lying on the bed with their arms wrapped protectively around another person. On the other side of the folder there's a sketch of a bouquet of tulips.

"You made these," he observes. "They're very good." He stares down at them. "Why didn't you show me sooner?"

"For me it's very difficult," he begins, settling back down on the couch, "to share my art with people. At least people who aren't artists. It's like a piece of me and you're not here to criticize it and you're just going to look at it and take it for what it is."

"I do. I take it for what it is and I love it. And I take you for who you are and I'm falling in love with that."

The only appropriate reaction to that, Merlin thinks, is to kiss Arthur enthusiastically. The pictures nearly end up crumpled in Merlin's earnestness, but thankfully they're moved out of the way in time. Merlin ends up in Arthur's lap for a long while, taking off his own tshirt, and then Arthur's jumper and tossing both aside.

After a brief walk to the mattress to grab the lube, they end up shagging on the couch. Arthur makes the most pleased, needy noises when he bottoms, and Merlin's always delighted to discover something new about him. He learns this time that Arthur really enjoys having his legs over someone's shoulders and being utterly taken apart. When they both finish, they're sweaty and tired and feel a bit awkward because they realize George has been staring.

"Wash up?" Merlin offers, moving away. "It's not a bathtub that fits about four, but I think we can both squeeze in my shower."

"If not, we can take turns."

"There'll be room," he says, with more confidence. He's used to being close to Arthur at this point, after all.

They shower together, then decide to take a late afternoon nap after spending half an hour discussing if they want to do anything that night. When he wakes up from the nap to sleep rumpled Arthur, with the mark of a pillow on his face, Merlin mentally kicks himself for ever doubting, however briefly, that he wanted a future with the man beside him.


End file.
